Blue Christmas...

Tomorrow is December 1st. December 1st! The 1st day of December. And this fact brings me nothing but sorrow.

December 1st means that in a little over three weeks it will be Christmas Day. I wait all year long for Christmas but this year the thought that it will be here in a mere 24 days makes me want to bury my head under the covers and stay there until January 2.

The sad fact is in a world governed by the almighty dollar...no money and no family nearby...means a blue, blue Christmas.

Please,no lectures. I understand the true meaning of Christmas. I also understand that putting my true feelings into words will bring a hailstorm of judgment.

I am blessed. There is not doubt about it. I think that maybe I am so blessed I need a big EVENT at the end of the year to "wrap up" the year and facing the fact that there will be not BIG event to cap of the holiday season is sending me into a tailspin.

I'm not explaining this very well am I?

I am a creature of habit, a child reared with no traditions whose heart is set on keeping the very few she has managed to establish for herself and her children. During the past few years of having every bit of flesh ripped from me...including almost everything "physical" I hold dear...only to be faced with a holiday spent having even MORE stripped from me...is not something I am facing with much grace.

Our financial situation being at an all time low means no big dinner..beans and spaghetti are getting a little old, definitely no trips... seeing as how we spend every pay period living in fear that Jeff might not have enough money to buy gas to get to work and given the lack of gas money there will be no viewing of the Christmas lights or trips up the mountains, or downtown..or anywhere for that matter. And there will be no gifts. The gifts thing isn't such a big thing for Jeff and I. We haven't had any money for several years now. But is is bone crushing to think we will not be able to buy anything for our children. No Christmas candy, no stocking stuffers, no mountains of baked goods. No Christmas outfits. No trips to to movies. And yes...they are practically grown...but they are OUR CHILDREN and until they have spouses of their own to pamper them...I WANT TO!!!

Once again,let me explain...I UNDERSTAND THAT ADMITTING TO THE SORROW IN NOT HAVING THESE THINGS FOR CHRISTMAS WHEN I SHOULD BE REJOICING IN THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS, THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN AND VEHICLES TO DRIVE, EXPOSES MY VERY TENDER, OBNOXIOUSLY WHITE, UNDERBELLY!

Get over it!! This is my pity party! I am tired of being strong! I am tired of spending the holidays without my family! I am tired of paying our bills and then holding my breath for the next two weeks, all the while praying that we will have gas money and groceries to last until the NEXT two week cycle begins. I am tired of not having one decent thing to wear to church, or not having the money to feed our family properly. I am tired of canceling doctors appointments because we can't afford the co-pay or our part of the bills we will not be able to pay after the insurance company pays it's ever dwindling part. I am tired of living in fear as to what these canceled appointments might mean to my health. I am tired of being cold because the thought of what an increase in our electric bill might do to our already precarious financial situation. I am tired of being unable to rejoice fully in the upcoming birth of my upcoming grandson because of the things I wish to help provide for him. I am just tired of living this way....and I am doubly so during a time when a few hundred dollars could mean the difference between a COMFORTABLE Christmas...and no Christmas at all.

STILL NOT WANTING TO HEAR ANY JUDGMENT...OR PLATITUDES...OR SCRIPTURES telling me how I should rejoice in what I have or trust in the Lord!

Let me tell you a few things...

I live Christmas all year long...or at least I try to given the fact that I seem to have my face shoved in the mud on a DAILY basis by the BULLY OF ALL BULLIDOM!!!

Christmas Day is just that. It is just a day. A day which MAN has set aside to exchange gifts and gorge ourselves on huge amounts of food. If we are living the way we are supposed to be living...we are rejoicing in Christ birth EVERY SINGLE DAY!! We should be THANKING GOD for the gift of his son and his subsequent sacrifice which bridged the gap between our father and us, which covered our sins, which paid a debt we would never have been able to pay!! ONE DAY..or even one SEASON could NEVER be enough to celebrate such a wondrous gift!! So don't give me your crap about the "reason for the season".

I am just having a good ol' hissy fit because I WANT THE GOODIES!!! I want them for me...and my children...and my husband who busts his butt EVERY SINGLE DAY for us and NEVER ASKS FOR/GETS JACK TO SHOW FOR IT!!

I'm just being human. I'll be spiritual again tomorrow.

~The next day...As I read this post again I am still unconvinced that I ever got my point across. Towards the end I feel I was just flailing. I have this weird disconnect in my brain that separates the secular part of Christmas from the "Worship" part of Christmas. I feel it even as I am decorating for the holidays. One seems to have very little to do with the other even though they share the same space in my living room. I was railing against the loss of the secular part of the holiday...and not the worship part of it. I hope that no one is offended...or concerned for my mental well being! ;)~

Our part in all of this...

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—
those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
those he gathered from the lands,
from east and west, from north and south.

Some wandered in desert wastelands,
finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty,
and their lives ebbed away.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way
to a city where they could settle.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he satisfies the thirsty
and fills the hungry with good things.

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
because they rebelled against God’s commands
and despised the plans of the Most High.
So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron.

Some became fools through their rebellious ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food
and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy.

Some went out on the sea in ships;
they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the LORD,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.
They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
they were at their wits’ end.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
and praise him in the council of the elders.

He turned rivers into a desert,
flowing springs into thirsty ground,
and fruitful land into a salt waste,
because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
He turned the desert into pools of water
and the parched ground into flowing springs;
there he brought the hungry to live,
and they founded a city where they could settle.
They sowed fields and planted vineyards
he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
and he did not let their herds diminish.

Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
he who pours contempt on nobles
made them wander in a trackless waste.
But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
and increased their families like flocks.
The upright see and rejoice,
but all the wicked shut their mouths.

Let the one who is wise heed these things
and ponder the loving deeds of the LORD.

~PSALMS 107

" I am's what I am's and that's all's that's I am's ".....

I am who God created me to be.

No, many times I do not live up to the potential of this creation. Heck, MOST OF THE TIME I do not live up to the potential of this creation. Why? Because I spend so much time beating myself up about how insignificant I am in the "grand scheme of things" that I get in the way and do not allow my creator to "use" his creation.

I was a child with no discernible imagination. I played with dolls, and with these dolls and the help of my two younger brothers, I then became a mommy, a teacher and occasionally a nurse. "See!" you say, "You did have an imagination!!". No...I did not. I was practicing. I was practicing to be a wife and a mother. I started with my dolls, and then when I was ten my mother was kind enough to provide me with A REAL BABY in the form of a much loved, often tormented, baby brother. With her supervision I then began my REAL training. From there I moved on to working in the church nursery, and summers spent working for Mother's Day out, and babysitting, there was a whole summer spent baby sitting for one family, and then after we were married I worked full time in the church nursery with my husband every Sunday up until right before our first child was born.

I was created to be a wife and a mother. And I am a damn good mother. NO...I am not a perfect mother. There are no PERFECT MOTHERS! There may be mothers with beautifully decorated,spotless homes,or mothers who do not suffer from migraines and chronic pain, or mothers who homeschool their children, or mothers who do not have to juggle to pay their bills every month, or mothers who spend hours a day praying for their children,or mothers who don't cry so much,or mothers who work full time so that their children can have everything they ever wanted,or mothers who nurse their children until they are three and never allow them to have sugar, or mothers who cook perfectly balanced meals every night for dinner, or mothers who cart their children all over creation to mommy and me and story time and cooking classes and play dates etc,etc, etc. But there are no perfect mothers.

My children are pretty much grown. Their father and I have raised them well. They KNOW there is a savior who can and will supply all of their needs as long as they turn to him. They KNOW right from wrong according to the scriptures and the laws of man. They KNOW to stay away from drugs and the dangers of drinking too much. They KNOW the importance of family. They KNOW what to look for in a good spouse. They KNOW how to take care of a home. They KNOW the importance of a menu and a shopping list.(And yes,they also know it is a pain in the butt because they hear me complain about doing it every couple of weeks.)They KNOW that they must pay their bills in order to keep a roof over their heads and the utilities on. When they leave our home they may EVEN know how to grow their own food and gather their own eggs. AND..in addition...they understand the comfort of a good book,the joy of watching movies as a family,the reward of hard work, the beauty of an occasional camping trip, the excitement of a few really great, over the top birthday parties, they might possibly have gained enough knowledge to judge art from crap and they TOTALLY appreciate the gift of rock and roll and the release that comes from dancing like a crazy person and singing at the top of your lungs.

NOW...how and if my children choose to take the knowledge of these things and apply them to THEIR lives...is between them and their creator. They have their OWN relationships with God, and their father and I can not walk behind them their entire lives and tell them what to do and clean up their messes. We can only instill in them a set of life skills combined with some common knowledge and an example of love for our Heavenly Father and those who enter our lives.

I am who God created me to be. I am significant in my insignificance. When I die I will not have dined with world leaders,or written the novel that changed a generation, or lived among the native tribes, or served as a missionary, or traveled the world or lead congregations. But...I will have used every skill that God has allowed me to hone from the time of my childhood in the service of my family and friends and the others we have managed to drag in off of the street.

Please, do not give me any crap about moving out of my comfort zone. If you believe that there is ANY comfort for a virtual hermit in the hosting of 20 odd people for dinner in a house with an entertainment area the size of a postage stamp...you would be SADLY MISTAKEN!!

BUT...there is joy!!! Because in the mundane, unimportant, day to day life of this insignificant woman created to be NOTHING LESS than a wife and a mother..there is peace in the knowledge that she does not have to move the world in order to bring about change in subtle yet very important ways.

I read and interesting article this morning I though I would share...
http://www.crosswalk.com/11641169/
Yeah...you are going to have to copy and past because I haven't figured out how to add a link in the body of my blog yet!

Blessings to all who have dared read the ramblings of an insignificant mother this very day!

For Sarah...

My mother tells me at times that I have stress related memory loss. This is annoying because USUALLY I have a mind like a steel trap. Or,I "remember the elephant", as my nephew Christian once said!

But lately I haven't been able to focus and I have been forgetting things. Why? Well, part of the reason is because I am tired, and I don't sleep. Why? Because I am a worrier. Have been since I was about seven... which BTW is about the same time I developed an ulcer. Yes..I developed an ulcer in the first grade!

Recently, my oldest child, started having trouble sleeping as well. One day she told me that she had not slept the night before and I decided to go on a search for some scripture. Which is a whole heck of a lot easier than it used to be I might add! BibleGateway.com is one of my best friends. We visit just about every day!

Anyway...after reading a LOT of scripture about "sleep" and "rest", I began to notice a common thread running through a lot of them. SO MANY TIMES the scripture tells us that in order to find rest we must cry out to God, we must give him our our sins,our anger and yes...our stress and our worries. Because I believe at it's core, worry is sin. That is, if we believe that worry is a form of unbelief.

AND THEN when we have done this...when we have called out to our father and discussed our day with him...we will find rest.

This MAY NOT be easy for some! This, like so many other things may need to begin as a HABIT before it becomes "second nature". And,as I write this, I am reminded of something....

When I was a child my dad would come and sit at the edge of my bed and we would recite this children's prayer..."Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take."

And then I would say all of my "God Blesses".

Sounds kinda morbid for a children's prayer huh? But broken down...it is a very simple prayer giving it all to God. It's says, "I'm going to sleep now Father. I am trusting you to take care of me. And..if something happens... then I am trusting you to take care of my very soul."

SO PEOPLE...LET'S DO IT!! Let's become like a child! Let's give it all to God when we go to bed at night. He's sitting right there on the edge of the bed waiting for us to pray with him.

When I was searching the scriptures that day for my oldest child...and for myself it turns out...one passage of scripture in particular really stood out to me. Actually, one PART of it stood out because I thought it SOOO beautiful in it's wording. AND THEN the rest of it began to sink in. So this is the one i shared with Kirsten...

Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him,if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;you will stand firm and without fear.You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday,and darkness will become like morning.You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid...~Job 11:13-19

And here is a couple extra for good measure...

I call out to the LORD,and he answers me from his holy mountain.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.
~Psalm 3:4-6

LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.~Psalm 16:5-11

PS...We don't have to wait until we go to bed to begin establishing this habit! ;)

Praying for the one I have yet to meet....

It is the most unusual sensation to be separated from my unborn grandson by a few fragile layers of fabric and skin and tissue. Sometimes, when I have my hands on my daughter's perfectly round belly, I can feel him right there on the other side, and although I have had three children of my own...I am in awe of God's most perfect creation.

I'll be real honest with you, I wanted him to be a her. And my reasons were all incredibly selfish I know. If he were a she,some things, given the particular set of circumstances we are dealing with, would just be easier to handle. AND...I could make all sorts of cute toys, and the clothes are cuter and I know more girl's books to buy. But...following along in God's theme for my life. His plans are not my own.

The fact that my first grandchild was indeed a boy had BARELY begun to settle in when God reminded me what AMAZING men I have in my life and I was prompted in my spirit to create a list of "Attributes of a Godly Man". It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. With a little help from some of the Godly men in my life...by example and a with a couple of emails...and GOd's word,this list has grown quite long.

I am sure my list is not complete, and it seems that daily God gives me scriptures to pray and generational issues to "come against" and I am constantly reminded to shore up those hedges of protection,plead the blood of the Lamb over him,and for the protection of God's warrior angels.....

WHEW!! Maybe God gives us grandparents because there is too much ground for our parents to cover on their own!

And because there IS so much to pray for/about, I am sure that God is fine with my "cheat sheet"...and here it is!

Lord,I pray that my grandson is righteous,humble,truthful,blameless in your sight,honorable,generous,that he fear you and you alone,that he is prosperous,steadfast,that he trusts you, that he is loving, kindhearted, sensitive,gracious,compassionate,obedient to you and his parents, strong, healthy,trustworthy,hardworking,faithful,self-controlled and able to resist the temptations of the world, temperate, respectful, hospitable, teachable, sincere, that he be able to keep hold of the deep truths of faith,that he is hopeful,full of peace, gentle, enduring and that he find salvation at an early age as to be filled with the power of the Holy Spirit and able to fulfill all that you have for his life.

The path of the wind...

Well...it's been almost two years since I last posted to this blog. Things in my life have changed quite a bit since then and I am not EVEN going to TRY to catch you up on the "goings on" of the past two years. If you are one of the four or five people who read my blog in the past, or if we are friends on Facebook, you already know ALL ABOUT the insanity which I call my life!

Which begs the question?.....

Why even begin blogging again?

The honest answer....

I'm not real sure yet. I just feel like it is time.

Where to begin, where to begin....

Oh...I know!! How about we begin at the beginning? The beginning of a new life that is...for you see, I am soon to be a grandmother.

SSSCCRRREEECCCHHHH!!!!!!

What?!? A grandmother!?! How the hell did that happen!?!?!

I'm not ready to be a grandmother! The timing is all wrong! I'm not the least bit prepared! My children are barely grown! There was no time to catch my breath! Things are a bit out of order here aren't they? There were supposed to be courtship and an engagement and wedding showers and A WEDDING for crying out loud!!

I GOT NONE OF THAT!!! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!! This isn't fair!!

The heading at the beginning of Ecclesiastes states, "EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS"...and then Solomon goes on to state over in over, in this rather short book in the Old Testament..and I am paraphrasing here, "Life ISN'T fair. There isn't really any justice here in the mortal realm. You get what you get. So get over it,quit whining,remember your creator,enjoy your spouse and your wine and work hard. Because in the end there is no working or planning or knowledge or wisdom. So make the best of what you've got!!"

And he says this,"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things."

Guess what? I don't get to be in control. It's as simple as that. I don't get to know the path of the wind. I do not get to know why things are the way they are and why some people get perfect little lives where everything goes according to plan with fairly tale endings.

I get to do my best with what I have,work hard,love the Lord my God with all of my heart and all of my soul and love my neighbor as myself. I get to love and enjoy my spouse and my children and my AMAZING grandson!! I get to stand beside my amazingly beautiful, talented, loving,oldest daughter and hold her hand, and make her lunches so that my baby boy grows healthy and strong and I get to help decorate his room when he gets here and I get to pray for him and lay hands on him and speak scripture over him and I get to do all of the things for my daughter that my mother did for me and her mother did for her. And I get to do all of this with the help of my crazy, sometimes out of order, always unpredictable family...with a little help and a LOT of prayers from our friends.

BUT...I can not do any of this if I hold on to the unreasonable belief that I can CONTROL everything. That I can FIX everything. That EVERYTHING is going to be perfect and in the order I think it is supposed to be in...or that I can do ANY of it without letting go of how I think things are supposed to be. Because I can not even KNOW the path of the wind...or the mind of God... and what he has planned for me...much less CONTROL it.

In my last posting on January 1, 2009 I wrote this, "I am not going to wax poetic,not going to give and highs and lows list, not going to whine and cry about what SHOULD have been last year...and not going to make any New Years resolutions.

This what I AM going to do...I'm going to try to move ahead in 2009 with the knowledge that things ARE going to change. Why...because they just do. It's all part of life. Kids grow up, jobs change, friends move on..and the world just keeps on spinning.

The trick is to plant your feet firmly on the ground, pick a spot to focus on...preferably the Lord...and try not to heave too much.
"
And two years later...as much as things have changed...what I wrote then is still the same. Don't ya just LOVE IT when your own words come back to bite ya on the tookus!