Blue Christmas...

Tomorrow is December 1st. December 1st! The 1st day of December. And this fact brings me nothing but sorrow.

December 1st means that in a little over three weeks it will be Christmas Day. I wait all year long for Christmas but this year the thought that it will be here in a mere 24 days makes me want to bury my head under the covers and stay there until January 2.

The sad fact is in a world governed by the almighty dollar...no money and no family nearby...means a blue, blue Christmas.

Please,no lectures. I understand the true meaning of Christmas. I also understand that putting my true feelings into words will bring a hailstorm of judgment.

I am blessed. There is not doubt about it. I think that maybe I am so blessed I need a big EVENT at the end of the year to "wrap up" the year and facing the fact that there will be not BIG event to cap of the holiday season is sending me into a tailspin.

I'm not explaining this very well am I?

I am a creature of habit, a child reared with no traditions whose heart is set on keeping the very few she has managed to establish for herself and her children. During the past few years of having every bit of flesh ripped from me...including almost everything "physical" I hold dear...only to be faced with a holiday spent having even MORE stripped from me...is not something I am facing with much grace.

Our financial situation being at an all time low means no big dinner..beans and spaghetti are getting a little old, definitely no trips... seeing as how we spend every pay period living in fear that Jeff might not have enough money to buy gas to get to work and given the lack of gas money there will be no viewing of the Christmas lights or trips up the mountains, or downtown..or anywhere for that matter. And there will be no gifts. The gifts thing isn't such a big thing for Jeff and I. We haven't had any money for several years now. But is is bone crushing to think we will not be able to buy anything for our children. No Christmas candy, no stocking stuffers, no mountains of baked goods. No Christmas outfits. No trips to to movies. And yes...they are practically grown...but they are OUR CHILDREN and until they have spouses of their own to pamper them...I WANT TO!!!

Once again,let me explain...I UNDERSTAND THAT ADMITTING TO THE SORROW IN NOT HAVING THESE THINGS FOR CHRISTMAS WHEN I SHOULD BE REJOICING IN THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS, THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN AND VEHICLES TO DRIVE, EXPOSES MY VERY TENDER, OBNOXIOUSLY WHITE, UNDERBELLY!

Get over it!! This is my pity party! I am tired of being strong! I am tired of spending the holidays without my family! I am tired of paying our bills and then holding my breath for the next two weeks, all the while praying that we will have gas money and groceries to last until the NEXT two week cycle begins. I am tired of not having one decent thing to wear to church, or not having the money to feed our family properly. I am tired of canceling doctors appointments because we can't afford the co-pay or our part of the bills we will not be able to pay after the insurance company pays it's ever dwindling part. I am tired of living in fear as to what these canceled appointments might mean to my health. I am tired of being cold because the thought of what an increase in our electric bill might do to our already precarious financial situation. I am tired of being unable to rejoice fully in the upcoming birth of my upcoming grandson because of the things I wish to help provide for him. I am just tired of living this way....and I am doubly so during a time when a few hundred dollars could mean the difference between a COMFORTABLE Christmas...and no Christmas at all.

STILL NOT WANTING TO HEAR ANY JUDGMENT...OR PLATITUDES...OR SCRIPTURES telling me how I should rejoice in what I have or trust in the Lord!

Let me tell you a few things...

I live Christmas all year long...or at least I try to given the fact that I seem to have my face shoved in the mud on a DAILY basis by the BULLY OF ALL BULLIDOM!!!

Christmas Day is just that. It is just a day. A day which MAN has set aside to exchange gifts and gorge ourselves on huge amounts of food. If we are living the way we are supposed to be living...we are rejoicing in Christ birth EVERY SINGLE DAY!! We should be THANKING GOD for the gift of his son and his subsequent sacrifice which bridged the gap between our father and us, which covered our sins, which paid a debt we would never have been able to pay!! ONE DAY..or even one SEASON could NEVER be enough to celebrate such a wondrous gift!! So don't give me your crap about the "reason for the season".

I am just having a good ol' hissy fit because I WANT THE GOODIES!!! I want them for me...and my children...and my husband who busts his butt EVERY SINGLE DAY for us and NEVER ASKS FOR/GETS JACK TO SHOW FOR IT!!

I'm just being human. I'll be spiritual again tomorrow.

~The next day...As I read this post again I am still unconvinced that I ever got my point across. Towards the end I feel I was just flailing. I have this weird disconnect in my brain that separates the secular part of Christmas from the "Worship" part of Christmas. I feel it even as I am decorating for the holidays. One seems to have very little to do with the other even though they share the same space in my living room. I was railing against the loss of the secular part of the holiday...and not the worship part of it. I hope that no one is offended...or concerned for my mental well being! ;)~