I am recycling this from a "note" I wrote in FB...because someone recently mentioned that they had not seen me blog lately...and I am lazy.

So here ya go!

I just read this article
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/motherhood-as-a-mission-field#.Tf9yBUxH_0w;facebook
posted by a friend of mind, and it made me think....

When I was raising my children...and even as recently as a couple of years ago... my mother was constantly reminding me that my children were my mission field. Not because I didn't love spending time with my kids, as a matter of fact I am one of the few moms I know that HATED when their children had to go back to school at the end of the summer! It was just that I always felt that what I was doing wasn't IMPORTANT as what OTHERS might me doing. So my mother would occasionally remind me that raising my children was the MOST important thing I could do...at least during that particular season of my life.

BUT, the importance of my mission field never REALLY sank in until my children were older and began to tell me, in their own words, that I was fairly good at being a mom.

One night we were watching a TV show and one character asked another, "What were you put on this earth to do?". And for whatever reason that question hit me like a ton of bricks. So, the next morning I asked my oldest, "What do YOU think I was put on this earth to do?" And she said, "You're a mom.", and I said, "THANKS A LOT!", and she says, "No, you're a mom. You are like THE mom. You could show young mothers how to be a mom." And it was then that I REALLY started to understand how important my job was.

Now, we have had a quite a few hurdles during the past few years that have made me SERIOUSLY question what kind of a mom I really was when my children were growing up. They grew up, started to make their OWN decisions and like the rest of us came to, or, are coming to understand that being a grown up isn't as easy as it looks. I am pretty sure they are beginning to really GET that our actions have some very serious consequences. As they have gone through this process God has had to constantly remind me that I am not responsible for their decisions. And let me tell you something, this is NOT an easy thing to accept and allow to grow in your spirit, especially when each hurdle seems to be a little bit higher.

ANYWAY...The past couple of years I was kind of excited that I could do almost anything I wanted to do because my children were pretty much grown. My time was my own...for the most part. I was spending more time in the word, journaling and writing. I took up gardening, learned to bake bread and purchased chickens feeling that these were important skills worthy of learning and passing on to my children and grandchildren. And I FINALLY came up with a handmade item I felt willing to "put on the market" after MANY years of being away from the arts and crafts business.

Then, late last summer, within a period of two weeks, I found out that my son had Type 1 diabetes...AND that I was going to be a grandmother...and I came to understand that in our particular circumstance my job as a mother would be a little more "hands on" than most mothers of 6 foot 4, seventeen year old sons and 21 year old pregnant daughters.

It has been a fairly hard year, and quiet honestly I don't see a whole lot of smooth sailing in the near future. The hand we have been dealt is someone "ongoing"....to say the least. And whereas the last two summers I was baking bread, tending gardens, canning jellies and raising chickens...this summer my gardens lay unplanted and I am once again spending my morning caring for a newborn while his mommy works oh so hard to support him.

If I stop to consider the "two steps back" I have taken, it can be quite overwhelming. And then I remember...every song I sing, every diaper I change, every load of baby clothes I wash, every bottle I give and ever prayer I say for and hug I give to our grandson... and our pretty much grown kids...is part of my mission field. And I am oh so thankful that my heavenly father chose to call me back to this particular kind of duty.

Thanks for the reminder Brittney! I will try to keep all of these things in mind the next time I try to write while jiggling a baby on my knee and having to stop three times to look out the window or find something else to make him happy! Maybe I will be back in the swing enough to get my gardens in NEXT spring! ;)

Twent-Five Years and Counting...

I know, I'm not writing. My updates are limited to quick posts and pics on Facebook in between jobs around the house. I posted on FB today, "Cheryl Pyle is going to mop,clean the fridge inside and out, unpack the rest of the baby's stuff, sew,make a roast and do whatever else can be crammed into one day. Spring cleaning + baby on the way = no rest for the weary!"

Actually, I only got the fridge cleaned and the roast made because I spent time watching TV with Kirsten and taking pics of the pets and Kirsten's ever expanding belly. BUT...the roast and potatoes were perfect, the pet pics are pretty cute, the inside of the fridge is BLINDING and... I might never have this kind of time with my oldest child ever again... because within a week or so she is going to be a mommy and I am going to be a grammy. So, I'm trying not to beat myself up too much. Kirsten has her weekly doctor's appointment and her last shift at work tomorrow so I will work twice as hard while she is out of the house.

Yesterday, after cleaning the stove, unpacking some of the baby's stuff, and visiting with some sweet friends who stopped by to "school" us on how to properly install the baby's carseat (because things have TOTALLY changed since our children were little!!)....I took the afternoon off and went to dinner and a movie with my wonderful husband. For, as of yesterday afternoon, we have been married for twenty-five years.

Twent-five years.

DO YOU HEAR ME??? TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!!

On March 22, 1986, on a chilly spring afternoon, under a large oak tree, surrounded by 150 of our closest friends and family...after misplacing our marriage license which delayed our ceremony by thirty minutes, which turned out to be a good thing because Jeff's parents had been stopped for speeding on the way to the church...and after several friends from our church had to stop the groundskeepers from unloading their lawnmowers due to a communication glitch...AND after having the groomsmen on alert because we had heard that Jeff's crazy ex-girlfriend was planning to crash our wedding and make a scene...the love of my life and I were wed.

The whole event was a home grown, family affair. My parents and my our first choir director sang, my pregnant best friend, my cousin and Jeff's sister where bridesmaids, Jeff's cousin was the ring bearer, my brother was one of his groomsmen, my former youth director and swimming teacher took the photographs, my aunts pressed our dresses and did my hair, my "other" mom baked our wedding cake, Jeff baked his own grooms cake, my mom made my dress, Jeff's mom made his tux, and Jeff's former youth director performed the ceremony and we spent our honeymoon in a seedy hotel in San Antonio and then camping in a two man pup tent. Our wedding cost less than a thousand dollars.

I look back now and realize what babies we were, how un-elegant our ceremony was, how BIG my hair was and how PINK everything was.

But you know what? All we wanted was to be married. And twenty-five years later we aren't any LESS married for lack an expensive, professionally co-ordinated wedding.

In some ways our whole wedding was a foreshadowing of things to come. Our lives have never been fancy, we've never had any money, and the best times we have ever had have been events where we were surrounded by our friends and family and everyone pitched in using their own special gifts and talents to make things memorable.

Thanks to all of you who made our wedding day special, to those of you who contributed to make our twenty-fifth anniversary special...and to all of you who have worked so hard to make the upcoming birth of our first grandchild special. We are blessed...even more so because SEVERAL of you have been on this whole crazy ride with us!! From dating, to wedding, to the births of OUR children to the birth of our fist grandchild...and all points in between. We could never have made it without you, your prayers and your love.

Blessing to all!! Maybe my next posting will be from the hospital while waiting for the Wee One to make his debute in the first scene of a TOTALLY new act in this dramedy we call....

Our lives.

Forever Thankful 2

I have decided to take a few "Notes" from my FaceBook page and "repeat" them here on my blog.

This one from June 2010. I think it is appropriate because this week was the birthday of the pastor I mentioned in this particular musing. Come to find out he has a blog too. His name is Dr. Vic Taylor and his blog,"Pulpitministries" is listed over there on the lower right hand side under "Blog Stalking".

There is an update at the end of this "Note".
*************************************************

But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him. 2 Samuel 14:14

My friend Christie shared this scripture with her husband Mark last week...and HE was faithful and shared it as he taught us on Sunday morning...and as we read it together, on a clear spring morning, which had been set aside to honor our graduates...I was OVERWHELMED by it's meaning in MY life.

For me,as we read it together,I was once again a skinny, tangle haired, snaggle toothed filthy little kid who played outside CONSTANTLY. And my mother owned a grooming shop/boarding kennel..... into which one day a young pastor walked...and invited our family to church.

Think what you may....but I know in my heart that on that particular day....our Heavenly Father devised a way so that a WHOLE family of banished persons could not remain estranged from him.

There are some days that the knowledge of this fact fills my heart and mind to a point that it squishes tears right out of my eyes. Sunday was one...as I was reminded through God's world that what had happened on that day 30+ years ago was NOT mere coincidence.

Today was yet another.

As I watched a video of Connor eating watermelon with his Poppy. As I prepared for my best friends visit. As I gazed upon the baby pictures of our first choir director's grandchild, posted on FB by his daughter whom I babysat. As I read snippets about the floor a friend is laying. As I wait for updates from New Zealand, Ecuador, Africa and Mexico. As I drink in all of the wedding plans,baby news and pray for those who serve our country. As I agree with my "other mother" that her grandchild should change his profile pic. As I listen to my husband... whom I met at that young pastor's church...dig post holes with the tall skinny son we have been blessed with....

I am once again "laid low" by God's grace and mercy....and his love for a young hippie family. That he cared enough to lead a young pastor and his cocker spaniel into the business of a young pregnant woman who had cried out for a savior...not knowing what that meant...during the height of one of the largest evangelical movements I have ever witnessed.....

And by the "family" he has given me because he did not wish for me....a once skinny,now gray haired, still pretty filthy from "playing" outside,little kid at heart....to remain estranged from my Heavenly Father.

I love you all more that you could ever imagine.
************************************************
I like to go back to this note on occasion. It reminds me of the things for which I am truly thankful. I also like to do a mental "update" of the things that have happened SINCE the original writing. I do this with my journal too. It is AMAZING how quickly things change.

Since this was written in June...

My mother and I have both shared the testimony of how a devine encounter with a young pastor and his cocker spaniel changed our lives forever.

We found out we were going to be grandparents and my "other mom" made my new grandson a VERY CUTE blanket for when he gets here in March...thus reminding me that she has now loved FIVE generations of my family!!

Our former choir director has had yet ANOTHER grandchild...this one given to him by his daughter.

Our friends in New Zealand survived a major earthquake this week and it shot them RIGHT into full time ministry in a way unimaginable to most of us. Please check out THEIR blog, "The Cremisphere", also listed on the lower right hand side and give if you can. They really are doing good the work of God right in their own neighborhood!

We have a young friend who just purchased a ticket to Guatemala and so we will be praying for his mission experience down there!! We will also be praying for his family who have been a HUGE source of prayer and support for us during this time of "adjusting" to being new grandparents. His mother has held my hand many times during the past few months.

Let's not forget the 40 some odd people who gathered together last Saturday to bless my daughter, my grandson and our family as a whole. There have only a few times in our lives where we have been able to gaze across a crowded room and witness first hand the love of the family God has seen fit to give us. Their generosity during her baby shower was overwhelming.

Oh...the Uncle and Aunt of young Connor...the beautiful tyke eating watermelon in the video, which prompted my original post in June...well they have have also shown our beautiful daughter and The Wee One acts of kindness beyond our ability to repay. From THEIR blessings...they are blessing others.

And my parent's support; spiritually, physically, financially, emotionally,is beyond comprehension at times. The last time I said, "Thank You" to my mom, I literally prayed for someone to invent another term to express gratitude.

Anyway...the point is this....

In the eight months since writing my original post, I have been "laid low" time and time again by God's grace and mercy. That God should care for us... not only for our very SOULS, but for our day to day well being...and that he, in my darkest hours, chooses to remind me that he is indeed working in our lives through the actions of those he has seen fit to allow us to live life with...

Well...as ironic as it may seem to most of you...I have no words to express what his actions means to me.

A long way to go....but I'll get by with a little help from my friend.

One month to go until I get to hold my grandson. Four and a half weeks. Thirty-Two days.

We have come so far since learning of his impending arrival. We have painted and moved our middle child downstairs to the basement. We have purchased some necessary baby items. We have given one HUGE baby shower with the help of my mother and MANY friends. My goofy husband FINALLY picked what name he wants to be called,and it is simply,Grandpa. AND...we have cried a million tears and said hundreds of prayers as God has prepared us for this GIANT change in our family.

BUT...we still have a LONG way to go,and a short time to get there. We have another room to paint this weekend, more furniture to move, curtains to hang,baby clothes and blankets to wash,carpets to be cleaned, things to sew, a dresser to paint, a crib to set up, another baby party to throw...and I am sure there will be hundreds upon hundreds more tears to be shed and dozens and dozens of prayers to be said.

These things NEED to be done, but he will come regardless. He will come in GOD'S timing...not mine. Truth be told if he were coming in MY timing we would have waited a few years. I can not WAIT to see him, I ALREADY love him more than words can say, but I am not sure if I am ready to be a grandmother. I am still pretty convinced that I have warped my own children in ways unimaginable.

I have been accused of being controlling by those who do not know me and do not CARE to know me. And I have been accused of sheltering my children by those who do. Controlling no. If you know anything about me you know I have no control over ANYTHING. SO I am not even going to argue that with you. Have I sheltered my children? HECK YEAH!! Did their father and I monitor what they watched on TV, what movies that viewed and what books they read? You're darn tootin'! Did we make our daughters wait until high school to wear makeup and insist that they leave the house fully clothed? Sure thing! Did we make them wait until they were older teenagers to even THINK about dating? You betcha! We sheltered them..and covered them with prayer...and tried to SHOW them the love of our Lord as best we could.

But we are NOT idiots. We understand that we live in a fallen world and that God gives us all free will. Our children have their own paths to follow and their own decisions to make. We can not control them any more than we can control the path of the wind (past blog reference).

And because we have no control...no say what so ever...we will be grandparents in roughly 32 days.

But here's the thing...we haven't had much control over ANYTHING in our adult lives!! We fell in love at a very young age and because being apart was almost impossible for the two of us...we got married. Because of this we had no money. So, we lived with my parents or in crappy apartments. After a while we THOUGHT we were following God's calling and gave up our jobs and our apartments to go live and work with troubled teens,only to have the place shut down. So we crawled back home to our family with almost nothing and within months we discovered that I was pregnant. And although GREATLY loved and most welcome...none of our three children were planned.

There have been a couple of things we have "controlled". My wonderful husband when back to school and graduated at the top of his class after discovering I was pregnant with our first. AND we left our home and family in Texas to give our children a better life here in Colorado. Two major decisions made with as as much "control" as humanly possible. That is about it!

Oh...and we had total free will when we decided to follow Christ. Regardless of what you believe about those who choose to follow Christ, this is NOT an easy decision. You do not fall into it. You do not choose it because your parents chose it. It is not an EASY choice. Everything is not springtime and sunshine and all of your problems do not go away if you choose to follow Christ.

Most of the time, if you make this decision to serve our Heavenly Father, you are ridiculed by your friends and family...if not completely shunned. You are held to a higher standard by those who HAVE no standards and then mocked when you stumble. AND we as believers are losing our rights as American citizens at an alarming rate. We can not voice our opinions about anything "controversial" without being branded as bigots, we can not bring our faith to public functions or to our government. And we are told over and over that we use our faith as a crutch.

You're darn right I use my faith as a crutch!! I am a crippled mess without my Lord. If he is willing to help me make it through this insane, unfair, uncontrollable life I FOR SURE am going to lean on him!!

We have a lot to do in the next few months, a lot of hurdles to jump and a lot of obstacles to overcome. We are once again being thrust into a situation we did not expect at a time which is not of our choosing. And we CAN NOT and WILL NOT get through this without God to lean on.

And sometimes, probably more times than we care to think about, he is going to carry us, and I am not a bit ashamed to admit it.

God Bless the Texans not born in Texas...

I love quotes. I hunt them down and save them to post on my Facebook page...or to use in those handmade cards I may one day get to make. As I was hunting this morning I came across a poem that made me a little melancholy.

Texas Child

Blessed is the child who is Texas Born,
Where the wind blows free
And the sun shines warm;
Where children grow up to be honest and true,
To believe in themselves and in what they can do.

Dew sprinkled mornings, star-studded nights,
Fields strewn with wild flowers, big-city lights,
Sand-dollar beaches, and Hill Country streams,
Wild western vistas as wide as your dreams.
It's all a part of the state you call home,
and a part of your heart, wherever you roam.

Tall tales 'round the campfire,
or on grandma's knee,
Rich with legends and heroes, a proud history.
So dear Texas child, just revel in glory -
Someday you'll write your own Texas story!

Don't get me wrong, I love living in Colorado. I love the mountains, and the snow, and the clear mountain rivers and the crystal blue sky, and the clean mountain air...and did you know that when the sun sets you really can see fire in the sky?!?!

But...I love the state where I was born as well. I love the beach, I love the history, I love the massive ancient oak trees, pecan trees, redbud trees and mimosa trees, I love the hill country, I love San Antonio,I love church suppers, I love that the grass just grows on it's own, I love cowboys, I love bluebonnets, I love the Texas Flag, I LOVE THE FOOD, I love that Texas was it's own country, I love lightening bugs, I love Texas pride and I love that GENERATIONS of my mother's family were born and raised there.

And I SERIOUSLY miss the welcoming spirit of Texas. I love you Colorado, and all who dwell therein...but you people have a lot to learn about hospitality and making people feel welcome!

As I read this poem this morning I almost cried when I realized that my grandson will be the first in MY line...in GENERATIONS... who will not be born on Texas soil...and this really, really scared me. I mean, my children were not raised in Texas, we came to Colorado when they were very young...but they ARE Texans. They may not remember all of the traditions, history,and quirks of being from Texas...but they ARE Texans.

My eldest has more Texas warmth and wide open spirit in her smile than a Texas sunrise. If raised in a different era she would have been the epitome of a true Southern Bell. My middle child is a Texas beauty born and bred just like her Great- Grandmother, Mary Evelyn Ward Phillips. Tall and thin, with a megawatt smile, don't you let her fool ya' ...cause she's got a kick like a mule! She will put you in your place faster than you can say, "Remember the Alamo!". She gets THAT from her grandmother. Her Yankee boyfriend better watch out! And my youngest...well that boy makes a Texas Mama proud. He embodies the hospitality, warmth,brains, compassion, ingenuity and kind spirit of the generations of Texas men who came before him, be they ranchers, farmers, rough necks,welders, telegraph operators or engineers in the oil industry. And man o' man does he loves his Mama! And that is the mark of a TRUE Texan...they DO love their Mamas!

So yeah, I'm a little concerned for my grandson! I guess in my list of things I pray for him every day I am just going to have to pray that God draw all of the generations of his Texas blood right to the surface. I will pray that he is hardworking, compassionate, inventive, hospitable and loving.....

Oh...WAIT!! Those are already on the "Attributes of a Godly Man" list I pray for him!! Well HECK...then I don't have anything to worry about now do I! ;)

Defrag me, O Lord, and plant me by the living waters...

If we are friends on FB, you might be able to tell from the exorbitant....exceeding the customary or appropriate limits in intensity, quality, amount, or size...amount of time I have been spending on FB the last couple of days that I am not focusing very well. I wake up with good intentions and before I can even get out of bed I am done...just done.

I could blame the EXTREMELY cold temperatures...because -16 is MORE than cold enough to make your blood a little sluggish. And MAYBE fasting from sugar isn't helping....but this has been going on for a long time now. I do better on weekends, when my family is all here. We work well as a group and for some reason having my better half near me motivates me in some way, even though he never says a word to me about my lack of...of...self control...energy...discipline?

Anyway...I CAN NOT go on this way anymore! THERE IS A BABY COMING!!! A BABY WHO NEEDS TO HAVE A BIGGER ROOM TO SHARE WITH HIS MOMMY!! A BABY WHO NEEDS THINGS SEWN! A BABY WHO NEEDS A CLEANER HOUSE SO THAT PEOPLE CAN COME VISIT HIM!! A BABY WHO NEEDS A GRAMMY TO HELP OUT WHEN HIS MOMMY IS AT WORK!! A BABY WHO NEEDS HIS GRAMMY TO BE ORGANIZED ENOUGH TO PLANT HER GARDEN MERE WEEKS AFTER HE GETS HERE!!.....

And there are a three pretty much adult children and one amazing man who need their wife/mother too.Not as much as they used to...and for different reasons...and maybe not as much as she needs them...but yeah...they need her.

So, when I was reading one of the four devotionals I kind of rotate through during the week, I came across this in one called, "Our Daily Bread". This part really spoke to me. Actually, it is how I feel in a nutshell.

Like my computer, my life gets fragmented. One situation tugs on my emotions while I’m trying to concentrate on something else. Demands from every direction bombard me. I want to accomplish everything that needs to be done, but my mind won’t stop and my body won’t start. Soon I begin to feel weary and useless.

Recently I attended a retreat where one of the handouts included a prayer with words that expressed how I felt: “Lord, I am scattered, restless, and only half here.”

King David also went through such times (Ps. 55:2). In prayer, David presented his needs to God morning, noon, and evening, confident that he would be heard (v.17).

Prayer can help to defragment our lives. When we cast our cares on the Lord, He will show us what we need to do and what only He can do. —Julie Ackerman

Yesterday I was led to this scripture....

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.
That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
...... they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
~Jeremiah 17:5-8

Yet another reminder that I MUST turn to him...and to no other.

I pray,I read the word and I journal daily. And just when it feels like things are starting to "come together", when my shoulders don't feel quite so tight.... I find out something I didn't want to know, I reach out my hand only to have it bitten off, someone lies to me or plays the manipulation game, I zig when I shoulda zagged....

And so I sit.

Tomorrow I will try again. I will do what I did this morning and start praying as soon as I am awake enough to form the prayers in my head. I will read the word. I will journal and even blog if so led. And I will pick one project and ask the Lord to grant me enough focus to finish that ONE job.

And then I will do it all over again the next day.

Things to do before the Wee One gets here....

Clean craft area to make room for stuff stored in middle child's new room in basement

Clean out middle child's  new room in basement

Take out one of the closets in middle child's  new room

Patch wall and prep middle child's new room for paint

Paint middle child's  new room

Lay carpet in middle child's new room

Move middle child into her new room

Clean carpet in oldest child's new room

Prep oldest child's new room for paint

Paint oldest child's new room

Hang curtains in oldest child's new room

Move oldest child's into her new room

Put up crib in oldest child's new room

Paint small dresser for the Wee One

Make bedding for Wee One's Moses basket

Make assorted "other things" for Wee One

Co-host two showers for oldest child and the Wee One

Bake obnoxious amounts of goodies for showers

Celebrate Valentine's Day

Make sure and tell my brother Happy Birthday

Make sure and tell my neice Happy Birthday

Celebrate my son's 17th birthday

Make sure and celebrate Mom's 65 birthday...somehow :}
Celebrate our 25th anniversary and tell best friend Happy Birthday

Remember to read the word/pray,eat,sleep,
tell my family I love them....and breath....daily.

All...within 62 days...and only 9 weekends.

Give me strength O Lord!

"Me Time", "Miller Time" or "Lap Time"?

http://www.crosswalk.com/11644566/page0/

I have suffered from stress issues since I was a small child. The doctors think I had an ulcer in the first grade, in middle school I was convinced that I had immaculately conceived because I felt like I was going to throw up EVER MORNING before school, I have suffered from migraines since I was a teenager,I have TMJ and I suffer from various other IBS symptoms.It is something I deal with on a daily basis.

Just recently I discovered "lap time" with my Heavenly Father. It is not something I was specifically taught. It was a discovery born out of desperation. Some days I only need a few minutes of my fathers time ...some days I need several hours. It is the only way I have made it through the last few months without imploding. I wish that my parents had been given this information when they were children so that they could pass it down to my brothers and I...so that I would have had it when my own children were small

I am sure that all of these things are why I feel led to share this article in as many ways possible. You may not need this information and if you do not "PRAISE GOD!!"...but you might know someone who does. OR...if "lap time" is something you already practice on your own...you may not have considered how to deal with your CHILD'S stress...or that they even HAVE stress!

BTW...my mom will be reading this...and she understands that I in no way hold her responsible for MY stress issues. We have discussed, at length, how as believers, each generation grows and gains more tools to pass on to the next generation. My grandmother had very few as she was saved in her mid forties but with each generation since...we grow stronger and stronger.

So anyway...read the article contained in the link at the top of this page...practice the points with your children, or if you do not have children yet... practice them yourself so that you will be able to pass then down to the next generation of believers in your family!

Feeding My Spirit So That I Don't Suck Yours Dry

As I was reading last night I came across this....

Then I said to you, “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the wilderness. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” Deuteronomy 1:29-31...I love Deuteronomy BTW!!

Then there was the Spurgeon devotional I read this morning....

"He was sore athirst, and called on the Lord, and said, thou hast given this great deliverance into the hand of thy servant: and now shall I die for thirst?" - Judges 15:18

Samson slays a thousand Philistines, and piles them up in heaps, and then faints for a little water! Jacob wrestles with God at Peniel, and overcomes Omnipotence itself, and then goes "halting on his thigh!" Strange that there must be a shrinking of the sinew whenever we win the day. As if the Lord must teach us our littleness, our nothingness, in order to keep us within bounds. Samson boasted right loudly when he said, "I have slain a thousand men." His boastful throat soon grew hoarse with thirst, and he betook himself to prayer. God has many ways of humbling his people. Dear child of God, if after great mercy you are laid very low, your case is not an unusual one. When David had mounted the throne of Israel, he said, "I am this day weak, though anointed king." You must expect to feel weakest when you are enjoying your greatest triumph. If God has wrought for you great deliverances in the past, your present difficulty is only like Samson's thirst, and the Lord will not let you faint, nor suffer the daughter of the uncircumcised to triumph over you. The road of sorrow is the road to heaven, but there are wells of refreshing water all along the route. So, tried brother, cheer your heart with Samson's words, and rest assured that God will deliver you ere long.

And on a slightly different note but just as encouraging...something else I read today....

This is what the LORD says to me: “I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place,like shimmering heat in the sunshine, like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest.” Isaiah 18:4

Is not this a marvelous conception of God--being still and watching? His stillness is not acquiescence. His silence is not consent. He is only biding His time, and will arise, in the most opportune moment, and when the designs of the wicked seem on the point of success, to overwhelm them with disaster. As we look out on the evil of the world; as we think of the apparent success of wrong-doing; as we wince beneath the oppression of those that hate us, let us remember these marvelous words about God being still and beholding.

In case you are wondering if I do anything OTHER than read...and blog...yes I do. I TRY to set aside time in the morning for reading the word,a couple of different devotionals,journaling and blogging though. I consider it a form of ongoing education and maintence of my mental health and spiritual growth. It is also my way of protecting my friends and family...so that I don't suck the life out of them. ;)

Fear

I am having a lot of fear today. It has been building since yesterday afternoon. Fear of the unknown. Fear for the future. Fear of loss.

I am not getting answers to the questions I am asking. Answers that I need to make decisions. Lack of information means that I can not formulate a plan...and this causes me fear. This fear then renders me unable to do the things I need to do. So I literally become "paralyzed" by fear.

I WANT to move ahead. I have a million things I need to be doing...but everything has come to a screeching halt because I do not know how to move ahead...or if I even need to move ahead on certain things.

This fear also causes me to move backward...it brings up the past and things I thought I had laid to rest come alive again.

I understand where the fear is coming from. I understand that God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. This morning I have prayed about it, I have journaled about it and I will spend some time searching the word. The only other thing I now to do, since there is no physical course of action to take in this particular matter...and things REALLY are out of my control, is to ask OTHERS for prayer.

So if you have a moment, please pray for me. In whatever way you see fit. And if you have any favorite "fear" scriptures...send them my way!

I will search for the one my heart loves. SOS 3:2

With thine whole heart seek him, and he will be found of thee: only give thyself thoroughly up to the search, and verily, thou shalt yet discover him to thy joy and gladness. ~ Charles Spurgeon

Today I will begin a new journey. I pray that a shaky 21 day fast from FB and Coke, and a very feeble attempt at reading through the Bible in 90 days(although my spouse has done wonderfully in both matters) has laid some groundwork for the somewhat longer journey I now embark upon,and that by the grace of God and through his power I will see it through to it's completion.

Three weigh on my heart heart. One leaving, one yet to arrive, one ever present. It is my hope that in my attempt to honor what I feel the Lord is calling me to, I will find not the answers my flesh desires but that I will come to a deeper understanding of the one my heart loves.

To deny one's flesh is a notion long forgotten by our society...and is a form of sacrifice. To love is to sacrifice. I will search for the one my heart loves through sacrifice. My sacrifice is unworthy of the three who weigh on my heart...but it is all I have.

From my journal....

This day, O' Lord, I come before you and offer up my meager sacrifice. I pray that you take it and that it is pleasing to you. I pray that as I embark upon this search for the one I love you will prepare the way for those of this world whom you have laid upon my heart. Make their path smooth and do not let them stumble. Build up their physical bodies and strengthen their hearts. Hold them in the palm of your hand as they are fully formed and pass from one phase of life to another. Allow them to know you in a way born only of the Holy Spirit and fill them with the knowledge that they are loved.

Big Mama is watching

Being a mom is hard and hard to shut off.

I mom my own, my siblings children and all that come into our home. If you happened to wander in to my home or anywhere within ten feet of me...you are being mommed whether you realize it or not. There may be no physical evidence of it...but it is happening. I am appraising your condition, physical,emotional and spiritual, and there are times when it takes everything within me to keep from hugging you, touching your arm, holding your hand...or picking up a child I do not know because they are crying. I was having lunch in a fast food restaurant with my husband the other day and a woman asked one of the people working there if she could hold her baby while she went into the restroom to change her toddler. I almost jumped out of my seat and said, "I'll do it!". But I restrained myself.

I considered nursing but I do not do bodily fluids. I considered teaching but something inside me knew that I would not be able to separate the teaching from the momming. The children whom I babysat and watched in the many nurseries I worked in are now adults and having their own children and yet they still hold a place in my heart. And if we are friends on facebook...I am watching you. ;) I can not watch infomercials about children in Africa because they make me cry, I can not have foster children because I remember, to this day, what it felt like to hold my last foster sister on the day they came and took her away to live with her aunt, I can not be a missionary because the thing that keeps you from having everyone live in your home does not exist in me, and this past summer I had to quit watching the news. And, if at all possible, I do not go to the mall or any other large gathering places because if I sit in a food court, or stand in line for too long...I will have to fight back the tears. We live in a lost and dying world, full of hurting and deceived people and this thought is overwhelming to me at times.

So I shut myself off from others...because it is easier, safer and less embarrassing for everyone this way...and the only ones who suffer from my momming are the ones unfortunate enough to stumble through our front door.

Consequently my children believe I do not want them to grow up, that I want to control their lives. I hate to tell them this,but that assumption could not be farther from the truth. What I want for them is this... a strong relationship with their Heavenly Father, an undying love for their family, financial security if at all possible... and that they find someone who treats them as wonderfully as their father treats me,that because of the actions of their future spouse they will not doubt that they are loved by the one they love, that they are treated like the treasures that they are, that the mere touch of their beloved is enough to pull the tension out of their world weary bodies, that the yin to their yang makes them laugh out loud every day, that they know that the father/mother of their children would be just as willing to take a bullet for them as they would be to make them peanut butter sandwiches every day of their high school career,that their other half prays for them on a daily basis,lifting them up to their Father when they are unable to do so themselves...and that their future spouses will be honorable, righteous, hardworking and able to show their love in ways apparent.

The need to love, to protect,problem-solve, to serve, to empathize was programed into my hard-drive from the the moment I was created. I am now who I have been for as long as I can remember. Some edges are smoother, some are more dangerous. I will continue to evolve as a believer, as a parent and as a wife. But I have always been and will always be just me. A mom. I mommed by dolls, my pets, my brothers, my foster siblings, all of the babies in all of the church nurseries and mother's day outs I ever worked in, and my parents... even before I was blessed with my own to mom. I WILL mom my grandchildren but I will do so as my mother has mommed my children, with a respect for my own abilities and decisions. And I will stand back and bite my tongue and cross my arms if need be...until someone makes a move to hurt them or their grown parents.

So,now that you know that you are being mommed every time you are near me,that your physical appearance is being assessed and your emotional and spiritual well being are being scanned...pray that I might use my powers for good. And if I grab your hand or arm, or touch your face, or hug you out of the blue....don't be afraid...it is just the mom in me.

Beauty and the Marine

I have taken THOUSANDS of photographs over the years...but this is one of my favorites. We attended the wedding of the subjects of this photograph yesterday. It was the joining of a young Marine to his beautiful bride in the simplest of ceremonies.

We have known the young man for close to five years now. At the time of our meeting he was a funny, energetic, smart-mouthed, barista at the coffee shop where I too was employed. I soon realized that he knew our eldest from high school and thus the connection grew stronger. He never failed to make me smile with his talk of music, film school and his youthful take on the world....or cringe at his youthful shenanigans!

During this same time our eldest had come to know his future bride. They sang together in choir and we heard her name often in our home.

And then, one day, as we celebrated the high school graduation of our eldest, these two....this head turning beauty and this future Marine...renewed an acquaintance recently made.

From then until now, in our home at least, their names were spoken as one.

Some time has past since then. My fellow barista went to school for a while, then joined the Marines, and as it so often happens, time and circumstances made it harder and harder for us to connect.

But whether it is known to this young couple or not, they have never been far from our thoughts or our hearts. And we must have remained in their hearts and minds as well because in the middle of the hub and bub of the holidays we received a beautiful, elegant invitation to their wedding.

And so Sunday, January 16th, we were honored to witness the union of one of our favorite young men and his sweet bride, in one of the nicest, purest ceremonies I have ever been to.

The setting was a new event center nestled in the foothills of the Rockies and located not fifteen minutes from our home. As we entered the hall we signed the mat surrounding a photograph of the young couple. As a family we commented on how much more practical this was. A photograph, surrounded by the signatures of those who attended your wedding, framed, and placed on a wall will bring MUCH more enjoyment than a guest book stuck in a box somewhere.

We seated ourselves facing a large fireplace. Behind us was a lovely courtyard which contained a waterfall surrounded by snow. After the parents had seated themselves our young Marine took his place beside the pastor...and I burst into tears! It was the first time I had seen the young friend who had stolen part of my heart so long ago,in his dress uniform... and the sight of him standing there, so straight and proud, combined with my memories of a teenager making his way toward manhood, unleashed a flood of tears I hadn't expected.

Next came the groomsmen in the their tuxes and red Converse, a few cherubs attending to their flower petal and ring duties, bridesmaids in their red strapless dresses carrying yellow Gerbera daisies tied with red and yellow ribbons...and as the father of the bride placed himself at the bottom of a winding stair case...the blond,fair skinned beauty descended the stairs in her strapless gown...as her own athletic shoes peaked from beneath her dress.

The scripture chosen for the ceremony was from Ephesians...Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior...and the pastor elaborated on these scriptures, gently guiding us to understand the selfless nature of each point held within.

The vows,written by the couple,were direct, to the point, yet full of the type of pledges all young couples should speak to one another as they begin their lives together. Love, laughter and support through good and bad. Foundations on which to build a long and lasting marriage. These vows were followed by the exchange of rings,his wrought by his own hand, then the kiss, and a final prayer of blessing.

Our one regret was that we had to leave before the newly wedded couple returned from having their pictures taken. I pray the note, hastily written on a cocktail napkin with borrowed pen and entrusted to another wedding guest, made it to our friends. It was a poor substitute for the hugs and love we had wished to bestow upon them. But know this Brandon and Kendra,we do love you, and pray God bless you in unimaginable ways as you move forward in this grand adventure we call marriage!

It so happens that our hasty exit was prompted by our need to make our way to another party. This one a going away party for another young friend who will also become a Marine very shortly. Pizza and chocolate cake seem such a meager offering for one willing to offer the next few years of his life in service of his country. I ask God's protection over one willing to serve...and that this future Marine understand that he takes with him our love and gratitude as well as our prayers.

We have lived a lot of life in this first 17 days of 2011. I have celebrated a couple of birthdays, witnessed the joining of a Marine to his beauty fair,held a newborn baby in my arms, felt the love of our friends and a little of the pain a mother must feel as she prepares to send her son off to serve his country. All of this as we prepare to welcome the first of a new generation.

And yet...in the 72 days between today and the expected date of our grandson's arrival...there will be even MORE life to live. More celebrations....ones of days dedicated solely to love, of birthdays spanning three generations, of marriages lasting more than two decades...and celebrations of the new life we so long to meet.

May we all remember to give thanks to the one who makes these reasons to celebrate possible.

Of dreams realized

I don't know why they keep coming back.

The people that is.

We had twenty-six people in our home last night. They were here to help us celebrate the fact that Jeff and I have made it to the advanced ages of 44 and 45. The food was Italian, the age range was from one month to early fifties, the dessert was lemon petifores and chocolate amaretto cheesecake and the boys nudged out the girls by two. The theme....family.

The theme here is always family! We had a few newbies last night.... the parents of our youngest daughter's suitor,the dear friend our oldest daughter, and of course the baby. One of my favorite parts of the evening was explaining how everyone was connected. How this young adult belongs to this parent, how this young man was attached to that young woman,how almost all that were once single have now married and miraculously their spouses have not run in horror at the chaos of our "family" dinners, how this woman represented by the picture on our fridge is my oldest and dearest friend and how she has all of the rights afforded to an aunt born of my own blood by virtue of the longevity of her presence in my life, how this young man in this pic had once been the youngest member of our original group, and how this beautiful couple in this pic were were the kids of the very proud mama with an album full of pictures of New Zealand on her I-Phone...and how none of this would have ever gotten started if it weren't for the small group of young people who began meeting in our home five or so years ago.

Things have changed quite a bit over the years. It used to be that my wonderful husband and I cooked almost everything and our young friends brought ice, or bread, or premade food stuffs in plastic packages. Now our "boys" are married and the newlyweds bring actual FOOD, and much of the dishes WE provide are cooked by our youngest. Which leaves me with more time to obsessive over OTHER details like having a place for our new mommy to go when she needs a quiet place for the newest member of our group.

Back to my original statement....

I don't know why they keep coming back. Our home is awkwardly laid out... to say the least. Our kitchen has NO counter space. The "public" dwelling areas are MUCH too small and we end up sitting on top of each other or inching around each other as we move from room to room. Everyone is always so busy talking we never have a chance to play a game or join in any OTHER kind of group activity other than a opening prayer... which last night was a prayer for the food, the birthday couple, our young man joining the Marines on the 24th and a request for a blessing for all in attendance. Also... then there is always some frazzled, crazy lady running around wringing her hands because she is so worried that she has forgotten something.... and most likely she has!

And yet...they keep coming back?!?!

Next time we meet like this, probably some time early next summer, we will be blessed with yet ANOTHER addition to our crazy group. I think I need to sit down with the engineers and contractors in our group and have a serious discussion as to how we can enlarge our home to accommodate the expanding numbers of our group...because by marriage,birth or rents returning to the roost...they are coming!

I used to dream of having a huge family that all came together during the holidays and for birthdays. You know...the one where the brothers and sisters were adults, and the ones who had married into the family were just as close and as special as the biological kids, and the aunts and uncles would be there,and everyone talked about life, babies, movies, music, books...and God, and there were kids tucked away somewhere in another room playing a board game, and the babies were passed from one member of the family to another as everyone cooed and made faces at them...and then they were jiggled and rocked until they fell asleep amidst the cacophony of voices and laughter of their family.

And then I woke up one sunny January morning with a slight party "hangover" that had nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with the intoxicating time spent with the ones I love....and realized that I had someone received the family I had always dreamed of. A beautiful family, handcrafted by my Lord who understands all of my dreams and desires, my Father who knew,long before I was born, that the members of my family needed to be handpicked. That they needed to be readers,movie goers and music lovers, that they needed to love our Father to understand my heart, that they needed to challenge me to put myself out there or read a work of non-fiction, that they needed to enjoy food, that they would need to be patient and be able to process all of the words tumbling out of my mouth in a quick fashion, that they would see me in my panic of wanting everything to be perfect at the beginning of one of our family dinners and remind me to breath...that people came to our home because they love us...and that I would need lots of encouragement, love, prayers and a big circle of arms, representing the arms of our Father,to make my way through this big, scary,crazy world!

Ophiuchus, Birthdays and Turf Toe

Yesterday was my 44th birthday.

I'm not real hung up on my age. Some days I feel like I am 19 again. Some days I feel like I am about 99. Most of the time I'm not even aware of my age unless one of my lovely children mentions it. And then I just laugh to myself because I know that one day they will receive their comeuppance!

Age means nothing when you are married to someone who makes you laugh every day...which I am. Yesterday my goofy husband took a REALLY HORRIBLE birthday and turned it upside down. He came home from work early. Took me to Chick-Fil-A and the feed store (Yes, it is the little things in life that make me happy!) and accompanied me to my podiatrist office. You see, I fell down a few stairs the other night and managed to give myself "turf toe". Basically I damaged the soft tissue at the base of my big toe and will have to tape my toe and wear a BEAUTIFUL "moon shoe" for three weeks. LOVELY HUH!?! And for those keeping track...NO...it was not the LEFT ankle I broke and have been dealing with for years. It was the RIGHT foot that I had surgery on December a year ago. ;)

My age seems to be weighing more on me this year because we have a grandson on the way...but I am aware of the fact that the only things keeping me from being a cool hip Grammy is my weight and my white hair. Both of which I will be working on this year. The Washington branch of my WONDERFUL family sent me a Wee Fit for my birthday because they knew I wanted one, and once I get the all clear from my doc I will be yelling wee wee wee all the way to a smaller pair of jeans!

Anyway...the point is this. I don't CARE if I am 44. My husband, my sister-in-law and my best friend will always be older than I am!! :) And my heart is young...most days,and on the days it is not...I always have the love of my life to make me laugh.

Yesterday I started to read an interesting article about how the constellations have shifted so you may not be the astrological sign you thought you were. This morning my son brought it up again so I went online and looked at some more articles.

First...this is old news. As a matter of fact is like 2,000 year old news! Which from a SPIRITUAL standpoint I find very interesting.

Second...I am not the least bit surprised. The boy and I had learned about this shift on an episode of Stargate SG1 a while back. Something to do with not being able to reach certain stargates because of the shift...

Third...If you believe that the stars have any control over your life you've got more things to worry about than having a new SIGN!

I MUST admit though,it is a little weird to have spent my whole life as a Capricorn to wake up on the DAY of my 44th birthday and find out that I am a SAGITTARIUS!

Oh well, given the theme of my life right now...which would be CHANGE...it is almost fitting. So, I'm just gonna roll with it. At least I'm not an Ophiuchus!

Here's the new line up if you are interested.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
*Discarded by Babylonians B.C. because wanted 12 signs per year, not 13 even though there were 13 constellations

Gotta run! I need to get busy because we are having friends over for dinner tomorrow night. It is a combined celebration for my birthday and the birthday of my husband...who, by the way...gets to remain a Capricorn!

Overcoming Brain Pain and Clumsiness With the Power of the Internet

A three day migraine. A small fall down the stairs in the middle of the night. A request from the podiatrist office that I stay off of my feet for a couple of days until we can decide if I have indeed "done damage" to myself.

I do not have time for this! My house is a WRECK, I have company coming for dinner on Saturday, a wedding and a going away party on Sunday...and in case you haven't noticed my ticker over there on the right hand side of your screen...there is a baby coming to live in this house in about 78 days!!

So, in an attempt to get SOMETHING done... headache and injured foot be damned...today became somewhat of a "baby" day.

While my younger children tried to make sure I was fed and attended to, I sat in a semi-dark room and checked out some baby websites, worked on an invitation list, found a free pattern to make a cover for the Moses basket Bubbie got the Wee One for Christmas, and looked into recommended books and toys for babies on grandparents.com.

Then, after my first born and I managed to pound out a final invitation list and got her registered online, I drug myself out to Starbucks to visit with a few friends so that we could make some plans for the Wee One's baby shower.

ONLY for my first born grandchild would I venture out on this brilliantly bright, 11 degree, January day. Do you KNOW how much pain the sun, reflecting off a yard full of snow, can cause to an already addled brain!?!?

I made it through another day though...thanks to three great kids, a few devoted friends and the POW OW ER ER ER OF OF OF THE EE EE IN TER ER ER NE E ET ET!

Growth

Oh, that we might always catch the vision of an abundant harvest, when the great Master Plowman comes, as He often does, and furrows through our very souls, uprooting and turning under that which we thought most fair, and leaving for our tortured gaze only the bare and the unbeautiful.
~Selected

Why should I start at the plough of my Lord, that maketh the deep furrows on my soul? I know He is no idle husbandman, He purposeth a crop.
~Samuel Rutherford

We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth.
~Mary Antin

Growth is the only evidence of life.
~John Henry Newman

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.
~Richard Bach

Learn wisdom from the ways of a seedling. A seedling which is never hardened off through stressful situations will never become a strong productive plant.
~Stephen Sigmund

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
~Anatole France

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.
~G. K. Chesterton

Eleven and a half years

I have begun to think that I do not understand the difference between joy, peace and happiness.

So, I decided to look up the definitions.

Might I just say right now...I would give ANYTHING for a good old Noah Websters Dictionary!

"It is reported that Noah Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary contains the greatest number of Biblical definitions given in any reference volume. Webster considered "education useless without the Bible". "

For you see, that is what I am looking for, definitions to these things which elude me, based on the Word of God. Oh...I looked them up, but online dictionaries are just as watered down and convoluted as everything else now. No wonder no one can find true peace. No one knows what the heck it means anymore!

What happened to absolutes? Can someone please tell me? What happened to right and wrong and black and white and good and bad...and when did all of the gray move into the very definition of the words to the things which are most important in our lives? Joy, peace, happiness, morality, right, wrong, good, bad....family.

We have lived here, in our little town, in the same house,for eleven and a half years now. We moved a LOT before we came here. From the time of my birth I had never lived in one house for more than 21 months before coming here when I was 32.

During the eleven and a half years that we have lived here I have always said that this is the only place where I have ever had peace in my life.

Then, this morning, while sitting in the bottom of the shower stall, crying and pondering the state of my life at this time, I realized that I have been confusing STABILITY...and occasional HAPPINESS...with peace.

Because when I am totally honest with myself. We have not had very much "peace" in the eleven and a half years we have lived here. We were blessed to find this house, we moved in and fixed it up, we immediately joined a church....and after a little more than a year we realized that the whole time we had been there some one had been spreading rumors and telling lies about our family and after being hauled in before the elders and being questioned and yelled at for more than an hour, we eventually lost all of our close friends and our church family.

SO, I promptly said I would never go back to church, because churches are made up of people, and they are idiots.

This lasted maybe a month before I realized that I wanted my children in a place where they could hear the word and be in fellowship because there is NOTHING like a corporate anointing. You know that anointing of the Holy Spirit that falls when His people join together in praise and worship of Him and the word is broken and people are working together for the good of their Lord?!?! There is just nothing like it. It is not better than individual time spent with the Lord....it is just DIFFERENT...and needed!

So, we found another church. And it was good for a while. And I thought I had found peace...and happiness...and joy...even though it took me over a year to be able to go to church without getting sick...because PEOPLE go to church. And I had had just about enough of PEOPLE.

ANYWAY...things were good for a while. And I THINK there may have been a little peace in my life. There WAS happiness...and a fair amount of joy.

And then...everything changed. Our nice little world turned upside down. For various reasons. Leadership at churches change, family moves away, the little bit of financial security you thought you had dries up,your body turns on you, and the enemy you have worked so hard to protect your children from gains a foothold in an area you thought you had protected...and four and a half years later you realize that you do not remember the last time you truly felt peace in your life....or joy...although there is some occasional happiness.

SO...What do you do when you wake up one morning and realize that the "peace" you thought you had been feeling for 11 and a half years was really only "stability"...with a few happy times...and a little joy thrown in for good measure?

Truth: Real peace only comes when you are in a viable relationship with our Heavenly Father. This is truth.

Truth: The circumstances you find yourself in do not bring you peace. They can bring you happiness...and a fair amount of joy...but not peace. This is truth.

Fact: I am in a viable relationship with my Heavenly Father. It grows and changes every year and at times every day. I have learned that he is my only refuge in times of turmoil.

So...where is my peace?

And...what do I do with the knowledge that I have stood so firmly in one place for so long because I THOUGHT what I was feeling was PEACE...when it was actually STABILITY I had found?

Is this the place for me..for us? In truth, the only thing holding US here are a job, a mortgage and a grandson on the way. And the only thing holding ME here are the man with the job and the mortgage, the children he has given me and a grandson on the way.

BUT...what if...these things are anchors created by my father to hold me in place so that I couldn't run away when I finally realized that a house or a church or life in a small town had not actually brought me peace?

AND...Maybe...these anchors are the things that continue to hold me fast when my heart is torn asunder by the choices made by one most precious to me...and the knowledge that if this precious one continues down the path they travel now...I may actually lose part of these earthly anchors.

The gypsy ways of my youth call to me daily. The need to run and hide from all that is going on around me is ever present. Everyone thinks I am firmly planted here with my crafts and my garden and my chickens. They only see the mom, the cookie baker, the wanna be Martha Stewart, the responsible one...the fixer. When in actuality I fight the longing to run on an almost daily basis. The only thing that has held me into place thus far is an indescribable love for one man and for the children he has given me and the desire that my children would not have to move once a year when they reached middle school.

It took me eleven and a half years for me to realize that my peace does not reside in this house or this town. I guess that was just long enough for God to anchor me, good and fast, so that when he was ready to continue his work in me I couldn't run away.

Maybe my journey is not one measured by how many miles I can run, but by the number of times I DON'T run.

And maybe...now that I understand what peace ISN'T...I might actually find it.

Flying Monkeys, Chris Farley and Playing Possum

In this world, those who seek the truth will also find trouble.
~ Gary Amirault

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
~ George Orwell

Candor is a double-edged sword; it may heal or it may separate.
~ Wilhelm Stekel

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
~ Jim Davis

************************

The search for righteousness is a rocky path. Once you set out to follow it, you encounter "road blocks".

As I begin to set forth this analogy clips of "The Wizard of Oz" flicker through my mind. If Oz is truth/righteousness and the yellow brick road is the path which leads us there....then the Wicked Witch is the Enemy and the flying monkeys, the trees pelting us with apples and the field of poison poppies are all of the things which the Enemy sets in our path to prevent us from reaching our goal.

And no...Oz is not Heaven and the Wizard is not God. Although I DO believe that a heart, a brain, courage and a home or the things found upon attaining righteousness.

Sorry people, these kinds of things are what you might encounter when reading the blog of a woman-child raised on pop culture.... and who, by the way, read EVERY Oz book ever written.

Now from the ridiculous to the sublime....

All of this began two days ago when I wrote my first blog of the new year.

I poked my head out of my hole and called attention to myself instead of hiding in the shadows. And then when the enemy attacked in the form of a killer headache, the interruption of my best laid plans, a look at our financial situation and some unwelcome news...I had to decide if I would indeed heed my own advice or play possum.

I tried to play possum.

BUT when the attack continued today...I tried some Sweet Ninja Skills. ALTHOUGH...my ninja skills look more like Chris Farley in "Beverly Hills Ninja than Michael Dudikoff in "American Ninja".

Anyway,I went to my favorite daily devotional by Charles Spurgeon, which I confess I haven't done in several weeks, and I started by reading the chapter surrounding the scripture reference, 2 Peter 3:18.

Grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Backing up a couple of beats....Just the reading of that one scripture at the opening of the devotional made me what to quit right there. "Growing" always involves GROWING PAINS...and that is the last thing I want to think about today. No pain, no growing, now striving or seeking!! I wanted the nice, soothing reassuring scriptures. 2 Peter 3 is all about last days and people following their own evil desires and things are going to be destroyed by fire and how because of these things we must live holy, godly and spotless lives!!!

AARRRGGG!!!!

So, on to the devotional itself...

I'm reading, reading, reading....hard words, Victorian language....and then...like a neon sign....

"HE WHO GROWS NOT IN THE KNOWLEDGE OF JESUS, REFUSES TO BE BLESSED"

Is is too late to go back to playing possum.

This is the prayer I wrote based upon this devotional....

Allow me to grow in grace, O Lord. Grow my faith and let it increase in fullness, constancy and simplicity. Free me to grow also in love. I ask that you extend it, make it more intense, more practical and that it influence my every thought, word and deed. Show me more of my own nothingness so that I might grow likewise in humility. Allow me to grow upwards toward you in prayer and grant me a more intimate relationship with your son. May I, through the power of the Holy Spirit, grow in the knowledge of my Lord and Savior. Grow me up the knowledge of your son that I might be blessed.

Sooo....there you have it. Cheryl Pyle, attempting to use her Sweet Ninja Skills, Chris Farley style.

Right before I started writing this, I read an email from our good friend Mark M. He is sending out a daily email as we go through our 21 day fast/90 read through the bible. In today's email Mark provided some some scripture and encouraging words I thought useful and on topic....and I decided to pass it along.

"Luke 10:19 says “Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.”

Spiritually speaking, life is a battlefield. Most of the battles that we fight are not “of the flesh”, meaning they don’t have to do with things in the natural, but instead, they are spiritual battles. (Ephesians 6:12)

As soldiers, God gives us armor and weapons (Ephesians 6:13-18) and he gives us the power to use the artillery he has given us. In this passage in Luke, serpents are symbolic of Satan, (Rev 12:9; Gen 3:1-14) and scorpions are symbolic of evil spirits/evil men. (Rev 9:1-5; 9:10)

No matter what we face, we can be encouraged that through Christ, we have authority and dominion over negative influence we encounter. Amen?"

AMEN BROTHER!!

Hit the Ground Running in 2011 with Barbed Wire and Ninja Skills

Well, it's January 2 and thanks to a LOT of help from my two hardworking men, all of the Christmas decorations are put away and the house is "sort of" back to normal. To be totally honest, if it weren't for Jeff and our two younger children, the Christmas decorations would have never made it out of storage...nor would there have been any Christmas cookies.

2010 was a very hard year. I told Jeff this morning that I thought at this time of our lives things were supposed to be getting easier. Instead we seem to be in the EXACT same place we were when we were young marrieds. Jeff has a great job but we have no money, we drive used junker cars and there is a baby on the way. The only differences are, we are paying on a mortgage instead of renting, my parents live four states away, we have three grown children, the baby on the way is our grandchild and although it may not seem like it to some of you, my head knowledge of the Lord has grown into an actual relationship with Him.

Oh...and I am 22 years older, so the body aches a lot more and I have reached a place in my life were I don't really give a hoot what anyone thinks of me, my family or my relationship with the Lord. AND, I have very little patience with young people who think they know more than I do about children, relationships, God, or just about anything related to having been a wife and a mother for nearly twenty-five years.

I do not mean to appear negative. Please forgive me if I do. I have recently come to understand a couple of really important things though....

1) There is ALWAYS going to be someone in your life who does not "approve" of how you live your life.... ALWAYS. There are just people out there who didn't get enough love from their parents, or whose blood sugar is too high...or two low, or maybe they are just spoiled or they have no confidence in themselves..or in the Lord...and it makes them feel better about themselves when they can point out every thing they THINK you are doing wrong and how you SHOULD be living your life. It's just the way things are. If they are part of your family...someone you have to do life with...just smile and nod and pray that the Lord use them to refine you... or grow a backbone and try to talk to them about it. If they aren't...smile and wave bye-bye...cause life's full of enough crap without letting someone run their cattle on your land and fill it up with any MORE!! Put up some barbed-wire for crying out loud.... set some boundaries!!

2) Anytime you strive to make a better life for yourself, to grow, to stretch, to move ahead, the enemy is gonna try to knock you on your keister.(He might even use those mentioned above to do so.) There will be hurdles,and sucker punches and you WILL be blindsided. So get yourself some sweet ninja skills and when you get hit... tuck, roll and come up fighting! BTW...Sweet Ninja skills probably should involve some time spent in prayer and the word and having a pretty good network of friends willing to pray for you and find comfortable furniture for your pregnant daughter.

(Do you think I've mixed enough metaphores yet?)

Anyway...enough of that! I don't have TIME to wallow in the misery of 2010! I must RISE to the need and expectations of 2011!! We have a grandson on the way and TONS to do before he gets here. There will be the trading of bedrooms and moving of furniture and painting and sewing and baby showers and LOTS of birthdays and our 25th anniversary between now and March 30th when the Wee One is due!!

If 2010 was the year of angst and tears then 2011 will be a year of new beginnings. Here we are...not yet three days into a new year and we already have a good start on a list of highs....

1)Jeff's father married his long time girl Bea in a quiet ceremony in East Texas this weekend!!

2)Jeff and I have started the new year by beginning a 21 day fast (me from FB and coke, Jeff from Coffee)...

3)... as we attempt to read through the Bible in 90 days!

4)The Christmas decorations are put away!

5)Keaton made his first pot of stew today...and it was WONDERFUL!

6)Tomorrow is the 77th birthday of my Uncle Willard....whom I love dearly!

Tomorrow, January 3,2011...we hit the ground running. Jeff goes back to work, Keaton goes back to school, Kaitlyn and I try to beat back the clutter which has overtaken our home and Kirsten keeps on doing what she does best...serving up coffee and her dazzling smiles, all the while taking care of herself and the Wee One!

Let's do this thing people!!!